Generally, the main base of love relationships is your subjective value in the eyes of another person.
That simple fact however very often is not fully understood. Most of us don’t get that our subjective value (SV) in a very beginning of meeting someone is very low and even nonexistent but is changeable in process of getting closer.
The actual love is the growth of SV and your influence in the life of that special person. He(she) looks at you from the different sparkling angle even if your objective value is minimum.
Objective value of the person (OV) represents your importance to strangers in general. It’s the difference between your value and the value of another person. It’s how you are looked over in the society compare to others. And that’s what people evaluate when they first meet you.
The evaluation includes 3 main characters:
- Image (appearance, style, manners etc)
- Achievements (work, hobbies, income etc)
- Social circle (family, friends, and not the least – who do you know)
Since we all trying to use other people as a social ladder, which is understandable because we tend to pick someone we don’t have to invest much into, everyone is looking for a partner with higher OV or at least equal to theirs. Usually if we see the affection from the person with high OV, we are opening our boundaries pretty quickly, inviting them in. But when we approached by someone with lower OV than ours, we shut down and back off. That’s how we avoid obvious misalliance with the ones of other educational level, different social circles, with striking age or appearance differences. Nature has us look for a balance in everything.
It’s very important to justify accurately your own OV from the point of another person’s view in the beginning of relationships to not make a mistake of jumping to the conclusions. Here is the first clue: usually, if you like the person instantly, chances are that he(she) has a higher OV.
You see, even with almost equal characteristics above, in love life you will be always judged by your ability to compete with others of your own sex. For the OV in love it’s very important how popular you are and even what’s the OV of the potential partners who want to have you.
If you hear something like “I don’t want serious relationship right now” or “I don’t have time for this” or “I’m not looking for anything serious”, that’s how you know that they don’t really like you enough. To avoid creating illusions of what others feel towards us, you should always remember:
- Never try to figure out what he(she) is thinking. They didn’t say it. The rest is your illusions.
- Even if they say it, but don’t act on it – don’t believe it.
You can keep in touch but without dreaming about your future together and browsing the internet for the perfect wedding dress. Instead use your energy to work on improving the above characteristic what will boost your self-respect as a result. Good bonus is that self-respect can sky-rocket your lever of objective value in the eyes of the people with much higher OV than yours.
And that’s exactly what I’m currently working on…